Fixin' My Want To
By Wendy Pope

"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."
Luke 22:42 (NIV)

Have you ever been at place in your adventures with the Lord where you wanted to do His will so badly that your heart ached but somewhere in the depths of your soul you struggled to say, "Yes Lord, I will submit to your plan no matter what?”

I love the Lord so much, however, sometimes my response to His call of submission is not one that I am proud of. I question His leadership and argue with His ways. Out of one side of my mouth I confess that He is Lord while the other side lets angry remarks of disapproval of His direction slip out. I want to want to embrace His plan but it is hard when His plan doesn't make sense and causes pain.

My husband has been facing a health issue for over 18 months. It is been a trying time for all us. We have gone from one doctor to the next, with hope that "this doctor" will be the one who will have the answer. My faith and hope have been kept alive as long as we had a new doctor to see. (Allowing my faith and hope to rest in the hands of human physicians; now that is a problem in itself.) I have been led down so many dead ends that I have found myself in a crisis of belief.

As I faced this crisis of belief I knew that I was not alone. God was with me but my ears needed to hear Him. I didn’t want to submit to the possibility of a lifetime of suffering for my husband, and I was angry about the prospect. Basically, I needed Him to confirm to me that it was alright that I didn’t understand or like this situation that He was allowing to happen.

Recently as I was reading my Bible, I studied the various accounts of Jesus' crucifixion. As I reread the Gethsemane scene in each gospel I came face-to-face with the humanity of our Savior. He knew the Father's plan for his life. Yet in the last hours, He asked His Father to change the plan. I could completely identify with wanting to submit to the will of God but desperately seeking a change of direction.

I could hear Jesus saying, "I want to do your will. I will do Your will. But please, is there another way?" It is as if I had come to my own Gethsemane praying for my husband and asking, "if you could find another way, please do."

I want my "want to" to be fixed. I want my faith to be as real in a crisis as it is when I am celebrating His greatness. I want to, want to. It seems for the first time in a long time maybe even the first time ever, I fear saying "thy will be done" because if this is His will, our lives will be changed forever.

God has been faithful to lead me through my crisis of belief and continues to supply what we need each day. I still don’t understand the suffering my husband is going through but my “want to” continues to be nurtured by His loving hands.

Do you need a breakthrough? Do you find yourself at a crossroads in the midst of a crisis of belief? Let me encourage you to seek Jesus. He promises you are not alone. He understands what you are feeling at this very moment and wants to help with your “want to” as well.

Dear Lord, help me overcome my unbelief. I know You are with me. I know your plan is perfect but sometimes – like right now – I struggle against it. Please show me how You are working in the midst of this. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Related Resources:
Listen to Today's Radio Show

Do You Know Jesus?

Visit Wendy's Blog

Out of the Mouths of Babes, by Wendy Pope

Application Steps:
Think of what is troubling you most today. Ask God to help you trust Him through this crisis. Pray today's prayer aloud.

What or who are you putting your faith and hope in today?

When was the last time you struggled with saying yes to God? Why?

Has your faith grown since then? How?

Power Verses:
Various Verses from Psalm 91 (NLT)…

1-2, "Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him."

9-10, "If you make the Lord your refuge, if you make the Most High your shelter, no evil will conquer you; no plague will come near your home.

14-15, "The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wendy - I'm praying for you and your family. I have been down this road of uncertainty with my husband and know how scary it can be. I best that I have to offer is my prayers.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

When i first got saved i read this book about a woman an awsome woman of God! Who had breast cancer so badly her brests would bleed so badly at night that she would wake up with the bed soaked in blood. and it went on so long but she wept and she said the pain was unbarable and she was so sick she was unreconizable her family didnt know what to do. But after a long while God healed her HE DID COME THRU! So keep your head up because right when you think he's not there he is there the most. I will be praying that God will manifest his self in your life. Stay encouraged.

Blogger Mary Lou said...

Thank you for sharing. God used you to speak to me. We are going thru a crisis, albeit it's not physical but nonetheless life changing. Thank you for all you said. It truly helped me. He is using you and your life in a big way for His kingdom. May you rest in our Abba Father's arms today and He meet your every need and fix your want to,....I pray He fixes mine and enables me to totally submit to His will no matter what it is....whatever it is...He will be there with you and yours and me and mine and see us "thru" it to the other side.... Blessings on your day....

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been reading Proverbs to my young son, and a few days ago I read a portion in chapter three that made my heart pound so hard I could hear the rythm in my ears. And I knew that God wanted me to pay special attention to that segment,b/c my husband and I had been struggling with a situation and desperately seeking God for guidance. And here it was. The answer we had been praying for, though not at all what we had hoped for. Today I was once again drawn to that passage and seeking more from God's word when I looked up towards the computer. In that instant, though I rarely visit the prov. 31 website, I knew God was telling me there was something I needed to hear. As I read today's devotion, I was overcome by God's prescence, b/c I too have been struggling with my desire to do God's will and put all my trust in Him. I too have felt frantic at the possibility that maybe God's plan is going to hurt too much! But now I have been renewed in my searching. And I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your own fears and the wisdom that you have found. May God give me the opportunity to share with others and lead them to the same realization as you have for me. God bless.

Blogger cceeyore said...

Over the past almost 4 years, I have had many experiences in the "fixin' my want to" arena. Through quitting a job on blind faith that we could buy a house on one income, while being pregnant, having a herniated disk, and a baby girl born 3 weeks early (perfectly healthy), then the ultimate knife in the wound ... for her six-week birthday, I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. But that truly was my breaking point. I learned more during that time from God than 4 years of Divinity School. And now, I am going through another time of growth. We both have taken another blind step of faith that leaves us with one income while we wait on God to lead us in a new direction. We both are trusting God to provide like never before. And we know that He will provide us with an abundance.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sometimes God just wants us to come to that place of submission before He makes things better. It is a test of our faith. I hope and pray that you and your husband will find the answer to this health issue. May God give you a special measure of grace.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

A friend sent me your devotional and it could have been my story. My husband has been fighting an unknown illness for 3 years. We were missionaries and had to come back to Canada due to his health, and beleiving that God would heal him right away so we could get back to Africa. However, God's palns were different than ours. We are still in Canada and my husband is still unable to work, mush less return to overseas missions. However God is using us here. And while He has to "fix my want to" quite often, I still will search HIm and honour Him. Thanks to God for showing me someone else who knows. (We also have 4 small children, and I know you have kids yourself)

Blogger aerogirl38 said...

I don't know if anyone will ever read this, but this devotion is so important. Here is sit at my little desk at work, and my heart is completely broken and torn over my wants and my desires and my love for Jesus. I love God so much with all my heart but I can't seem to trust that he knows the desires of my heart and that he has a bigger and better plan for my life. I'm 30, single and very frustrated that almost all of my friends are living their dream of being a house wife and some a mom. I want so badly to be the same, but I can't seem to let go of my desires and I try to go and search for "Mr. Right" on my own and always end up with "Mr. Right Now" which doesn't fill me at all. I don't know what I am trying to convey here accept that I just hope someone can read this and pray for me. To pray that I will know and belive in God's plans, and have peace and comfort that God does know my desires, and will change my desires to be exactly what HE want's not what I want.

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