A Slow Boil

Melanie Chitwood

"Honor marriage, and guard the sacredness of sexual intimacy between wife and husband. God draws a firm line against casual and illicit sex." Hebrews 13:4 (MSG)

There's a familiar story about the best way to boil a frog – not something I can imagine needing to know, but it offers a good lesson. The story goes that if you put a frog in a pot of boiling water, his survival instincts will cause him immediately to detect the danger and he'll quickly jump out. On the other hand, if you put a frog in a pot of cool water and gradually turn the heat up to a boil, he won't recognize the threat until it's too late.

The lesson here for marriage is to be aware of gradual temperature increases. I've heard people say that an affair "just happened." That may be true in the sense that sexual sin often does not start with a blatantly willful act. A more accurate portrayal of marital infidelity would be to say that the attraction and "temperature" gradually increases the more you are around that person. In other words, affairs develop little by little.

A friendly conversation with a workmate moves to flirtatious comments. Perhaps you find yourself wondering if he finds you attractive. You look forward to your next conversation. Your talks move from chit-chat to more intimate emotional matters. The next step might be secret emails, texts, Facebook messages or phone calls. Then, like the boiling frog, you find yourself in the scalding waters of marital infidelity.

What are some safeguards you can establish to protect your marriage from gradual temperature increases? What can help you avoid being in situations that might cause you or your spouse to be tempted to be unfaithful?
Here are a few suggestions:

• Avoid one-on-one time with someone of the opposite sex. If work or ministry put you in this situation, limit the amount of time spent with the other person. Keep in public places. Keep your office door open.

• Avoid friendships with other men, unless the friendship includes your husband. Be aware that many affairs begin as emotionally as a connection of the heart.

• Be careful how you talk about your spouse and with whom you talk. Aim to always present your spouse in the best light. Be careful not to vent about him, especially to another man.

• Give your spouse free access to your "technology." "No secrets" is a good rule of thumb when it comes to Facebook, texts, and emails.

Truthfully, I probably would have thought this devotion was pretty extreme when I had been married only a short time. So if you're thinking that, I understand. However, after nineteen years of marriage, after researching and writing about marriage for years, and after I've seen many Christian marriages fall apart because couples failed to take preventative measures, I assure you, this is wise.

Consider the ideas presented here, pray about this issue, talk to your spouse, and establish healthy safeguards for your marriage. And I pray you never find your relationship in the boiling pot of infidelity or divorce.

Dear Lord, deliver me from temptation. Make me wise in these matters. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Related Resources:
Looking for great gifts for Christmas? Need some extra incentive to buy a book you’ve had your eye on? We’ve got just what you’re looking for and it’s on sale! This week, all our resources are offered at a 31% discount. Click a title below to visit our P31 store and save big!

Today’s devotion is adapted from What a Wife Needs from Her Husband by Melanie Chitwood.

Looking for a gift for a couple? Pair Melanie’s book above with her book What a Husband Needs from His Wife for a wonderful gift set – at 31% off.

Visit Melanie’s blog “What Matters Most”

Application Steps:
Discuss with your spouse the safeguards suggested here to protect your marriage. Are there any you both want to agree to follow?

Consider being accountability partners with a friend concerning your marriage. Choose someone you trust, someone you can be honest with, and someone who is willing to hold you to God's principles in your marriage.

Reflections:
Do you think the safeguards discussed in this devotion are too extreme?

What safeguards do you have in place?

Do you pray daily for your spouse and marriage?

Power Verses:
1 Corinthians 6:18, "Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body." (NIV)

Matthew 19:6, "'So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.'" (NIV)

(2010 c) Melanie Chitwood. All Rights Reserved.

Friendly Not Feisty

Karen Ehman

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling." I Peter 4:8-9 (NIV)

"Okay ladies," the guest speaker urged as she wrapped up her talk to my moms group that night, "Now go home and be friendly in your homes."

Ouch! Had she been in my home just a few hours earlier? "Friendly" was far from the way I had acted toward my brood. Unkind? Yes. Snippy? Certainly. Even caustic and cutting? Well, if I were honest, I'd have to declare a resounding yes.

Just what made this Jesus-professing mama behave in such an un-Christ-like manner earlier that evening? Had someone acted rudely toward me? Did my kids disrespect me or my husband utter something hurtful? Just what pushed my interior emotional buttons and sent me verbally over the edge?

Soiled socks. Smeared strawberry jam. Trailing bread crumbs. Dirty silverware and plates. And notebooks.

Oh, it wasn't just the presence of these items that sent ugly words soaring out of my mouth. It was the fact that, just moments earlier, I had spent vast time and great effort getting our great room spic-and-span clean. That meant a living area devoid of clutter, kitchen counters and tables wiped, all floors vacuumed and surfaces dusted. I wanted the house tidied up so my husband and kids could just relax while I was gone.

Then, in the short time it took to change from my daytime outfit of jeans and a t-shirt into something more suited for a night with the girls, spruce up my hair, add a dab of make-up and grab my purse, my kiddos had, in my eyes, completely undone all my hard work! They'd whipped off their socks, made a snack of toasted homemade bread slathered with strawberry jam and strewn their weekly scripture memory books from a program at church all over the place. It made my mama blood boil and resulted in feisty, not friendly words.

I was working on a book on hospitality at the time and had been unpacking today's key verse for my readers. I wanted to drive home the fact that hospitality—using our homes and lives as avenues of God's care for others—and love—the sacrificial placing of another human being above yourself—are closely connected. And, the most important element, we must both love and offer hospitality to others without grumbling. You know, be friendly!

Now, for the most part, aren't we able to do that when we have guests in our home? We smile and serve and really don't get upset at crumbs and such. We happily wipe them up. Why is this so? And on a grander scale, why do we find it much easier to be friendly to complete strangers than to our own flesh and blood? Do our tempers stay in check with the grocery store cashier or even the dentist (whom I hate to see twice each year, for crying out loud!)?

Why is it so easy to snap at our kids, give our husbands the cold shoulder, or roll our eyes at a dear family member, but remain gracious with those we meet in public, even when they do something that really grinds us?

I fear that many of us live out just such a contradiction in our daily lives. And just what lasting pictures are our cherished children depositing into their memory banks? "Mom held it together when the dry cleaners completely ruined her favorite sweater, but she yelled at me for accidentally spilling grape juice on the floor." Oh, sisters, this should not be!

Perhaps it is time to offer some friendly hospitality to the members of our own home; to keep our tempers in check and our grumbling at bay; to let perfect love wash over a multitude of sins. Not the jelly-smeared, crumb-laden kind, but the hideous-word-hurling, mama-mouthed variety.

Oh may we Jesus-lovin' women choose to hesitate before we hurl. Rather than feisty, may we be friendly instead.

Dear Lord, forgive me for the times I take out my temper on my family. I want instead to act like You. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Related Resources:
For more on this topic and a chance to win a basket of family-friendly fun with a copy of her hospitality book A Life that Says Welcome, visit Karens blog

Sharing Grace- Family Traditions-Gift ideas (E-Book) by LeAnn Rice

She's Gonna Blow! Real Help for Dealing With Mom Anger by Julie Ann Barnhill

What a Husband Needs from His Wife by Melanie Chitwood

Reflections:
Do you know people who remain calm when they want to snap instead? What makes them choose the better reaction? If you can't figure it out, ask them!

Power Verses:
Romans 12:9-10, "Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves." (NIV)

© 2010 by Karen Ehman. All rights reserved.

Things That Seem So Small

Lysa TerKeurst

"A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back." Proverbs 29:11 (NKJV)

Yesterday, I was just mindlessly looking out the window of an airport watching a few seagulls dart about overhead while airline workers were busy loading bags. Nothing about the scene outside the airport window spoke of danger. But then suddenly I remembered the flight from New York a while back that was brought down by a few geese. The seagull that faded into the background just moments before became a point of extreme interest to me. What if?

It's amazing if you stop to think about it that a huge airplane could be brought down by just a few birds. Birds. Who would have thought? It makes me think about other seemingly small things that can cause great destruction as well… especially when it comes to marriage.

Words vented in frustration can seem so small.

Slightly disrespectful attitudes can seem so small.

Complaining about lack of finances can seem so small.

Brushing off his desires can seem so small.

Making mental lists of things you wish were different about him can seem so small.
But each one of these seemingly small things can so easily and tragically wedge itself into the core of a marriage and send it spiraling toward destruction. Entire families have been ripped apart by things that once seemed so small.

Listen to the heartbreak in this note that was anonymously posted on my blog:

"Girls...I know this seems small...but, it's really not. Take it from someone who has blown it more times in marriage than not. Now I have blown it enough to make myself a single mom. It's too late for me. But, it's not for you. Please be aware of the little things. I wouldn't have you join me for anything in the world. Be on your guard and protect your marriage."… Anonymous

I am challenged by this. I can't just mindlessly assume that my marriage is coasting along okay and that little problems can't topple even the most seemingly stable of legacies. I can't get complacent. I can't get prideful. I can't get lazy. I can't take the gift of my marriage for granted.

I have a great marriage but sometimes I slip into automatic and stop getting as intentional as I should about investing richly and deeply into our relationship. So, I've decided to declare this my get intentional week. Today I'm focusing on my words. I'm praying for God to interrupt my mouth at every turn today. I am going to hold my tongue against saying anything careless. I am going to intentionally use my words as gifts to my husband today and nothing else.

Not that one day of doing this can protect my marriage forever- but it sure is a good start. Care to join me? Oh you know there will be challenges ahead sweet sister, but I'm up for it. What about you?

Dear Lord, help me to realize that with each word I speak, I am making the choice to bless or to curse. Please help me to speak words that are pleasing to You - even when my emotions run high and my feelings beg me to betray this commitment. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Related Resources:
Leave your prayer requests on Lysa’s blog today. It would be her complete honor and privilege to pray for your marriage and whatever circumstances you are facing right now.

Lysa is speaking in over 40 cities this year and she’d love to meet you!

If you identify with tough life circumstances and insecurities, consider getting a copy of Lysa’s latest book, Becoming More than a Good Bible Study Girl

The accompanying DVD teaching series contains six 15-20 minute sessions, perfect for your Bible Study group or neighborhood Book Club! Pair it with the Bible Study workbook.

________________________________________
When you purchase resources through Proverbs 31 Ministries, you touch eternity because your purchase supports the many areas of life-changing ministry P31 provides at no cost. We simply can't compete with prices offered by huge online warehouses. Therefore, we are extremely grateful for each and every purchase you make with us. Thank you! ________________________________________

Application Steps:
Identify the areas of your marriage you may be struggling with – complacency, pride, laziness.

Look up verses in God's Word that address each.

Spend intentional time in prayer this week for your marriage and your husband.

Reflections:
What have I said recently to my spouse that seemed so small initially?

What have I done recently to my spouse that seemed so small initially?

What have I thought recently about my spouse that seemed so small initially?

Power Verses:
Proverbs 15:1, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." (NIV)

Psalm 19:14, "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer." (NIV)

Philippians 4:13, "I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." (NIV)

© 2010 by Lysa TerKeurst. All rights reserved.

Stinkin' Thinkin'

Melanie Chitwood

"We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:5 (NAS)

It's 6:00 and you've got a delicious dinner ready for your family. Your husband calls at 6:30 to explain he's running late - he's going to have to grab a quick sandwich, change into his softball clothes and rush to the softball game starting at 7:00.

Softball game? you think to yourself. What softball game?

Before you can even hang up the phone, you find your mind filled with some "stinkin' thinkin'" about your husband and marriage. I am so sick of cooking dinners that he never even eats. I know he probably told me about that softball game, but I forgot and besides, he should be home. Great, I'll be home alone cleaning up the kitchen and putting the kids to bed, same old, same old. I think I'll just make plans for one night this week and "forget" to tell him about them.

Maybe this scenario has played out in your marriage. Maybe the situation is somewhat different but the stinkin' thinkin' sure rings true. You find yourself dwelling on and repeating to yourself destructive thoughts such as:

"He's so selfish. He never thinks about what's best for me, just for himself."

"He should know what I need by now. After all, we've been married five years."

"This marriage is not working out. I was crazy to marry him in the first place."

Stinkin' thinkin' in marriage will allow the dangerous weeds of bitterness and resentment to take root. These weeds will choke out intimacy, peace, and closeness in our marriages. We may find ourselves being irritable, harsh, distant, angry or unforgiving toward our spouse. We may even find ourselves thinking about or moving toward divorce.

If we're battling stinkin' thinkin', God provides strategies to combat these thoughts. First, we need to ask God to make us aware of any stinkin' thinkin' that might harm our marriage. Secondly, we need to confess these destructive thoughts to the Lord. Third, we need to ask God to take our thoughts captive to Him (2 Corinthians 10:5). Fourth, we need to replace the lies with God's truth.

Following this strategy in the above situation might lead to these improved thoughts:

"I'm mad and I want to lash out at him. Lord, help me be patient and not provoked."

"I know he needs some time to relax by doing something he loves."

"Give us a time later to talk, Lord, so I can explain to him in a calm way that I need some time for refreshment too. Maybe we can make plans for a date night next week."

Awareness of our thoughts about our husband and marriage is so important because our thoughts lead to our attitudes in marriage, and our attitudes lead to actions. When our thoughts are submitted to the lordship of Christ, we'll react in ways that build closeness with our husbands rather than destroy oneness.

Dear Lord, Your Word says that as a believer I have the mind of Christ (1 Corinthians 2:16). Make me aware of any thoughts that do not reflect Your truth. Help me not to dwell on stinkin' thinkin' about my husband. Give me Your thoughts toward my husband and marriage, thoughts that help our closeness and oneness. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Related Resources:
This devotions was adapted from What a Husband Needs from His Wife by Melanie Chitwood

What a Wife Needs from Her Husband by Melanie Chitwood

Visit Melanie’s blog What Matters Most for more strategies to combat stinkin’ thinkin’.

How is Your Marriage? offers more free encouragement!

Do You Know Him?

Application Steps:
What pushes your buttons causing you to feel hurt, angry, or resentful? Do these situations lead to stinkin' thinkin' about your husband? Plan now to respond in a different way the next time this situation occurs.

Write down the four steps mentioned in the devotion as your action plan. Pray and ask God to give you His strength to think and to respond differently.

Reflections:
In our minds strongholds are developed by repetition. What strongholds have developed in your mind about your husband or marriage? Be especially aware of times you think or say "he always" or "he never." For example, God might reveal to you that one of the lies you repeat about your husband is: "He never listens to my opinion."

Our thoughts can be easily influenced by those around us and key people in our lives growing up. What messages about men or marriage did you hear growing up? What thoughts do other women in your life express about their husbands? Is their stinkin' thinkin' rubbing off on you?

Power Verses:
1 Corinthians 2:16, "…but we have the mind of Christ." (NAS)

2 Corinthians 10:5, "We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ." (NAS)

Romans 12:2, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." (NIV)

© 2010 by Melanie Chitwood. All rights reserved.

Being Thankful Changes Everything

Lysa TerKeurst

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." Ephesians 6:12 (NIV)

I sat on the bed, tears streaming down my face, negative thoughts racing through my mind … Why does marriage have to be so hard sometimes? Why can't he see my side of things? Why won't he change? Maybe I married the wrong man.

This was a scene repeated over and over the first five years of my marriage. I was discouraged, overwhelmed and so tempted to give up. But here I am about to celebrate my 18th wedding anniversary so thankful I didn't walk away.

Ephesians 6:12 was a great reminder to me over the years that my husband isn't my enemy. Art may feel like my enemy but the truth is Satan is the real enemy who hates marriage and schemes against my husband and me. One thing we must always remember is Satan's goal to be one who casts something between two to cause a separation.

Satan wants to separate us in every way. He wants to separate us with conflict, hurt feelings, misunderstanding, and frustrations of all kinds. He wants to separate us from our neighbors, our friends, our co-workers, our parents, our spouses, our kids. He wants to separate us from God's best. He wants to separate us from God.

One of the best ways for Satan to start these separations is by luring us into a place of grumbling and complaining. If he can get us to focus only on what is aggravating and negative in life, then little cracks of distance start forming in our relationships. The grass starts looking greener everywhere else except where we are standing.

I can see this so clearly when I look back on the first five years of my marriage. Somehow, I became so hyper focused on all I felt was wrong with my husband, I became blinded to all that was good. I grumbled and complained and nagged and set out to change him. And I almost destroyed my marriage in the process. Satan had a field day as the separation between Art and I kept ever widening.

Then one day as I was in a fit of tears asking God to make things better, I felt challenged to start listing out things about Art for which I was thankful.

It was hard at first. I had bought Satan's whispers that there was only negative there with very little positive to find. But, with each positive quality I listed, it slowly changed everything. It was as if the clouds of negativity lifted and I could once again see his good qualities. There were so many good qualities; I was shocked how I'd gotten so blinded.

How sad I spent five years thinking the grass would be greener with someone else. Not true. The grass is always greener where you water and fertilize it. And being thankful --really intentionally listing out things for which we are thankful-- is a great way to start watering and fertilizing and changing everything.

Dear Lord, thank You for helping me see how beneficial it is to be aware and appreciative of the good qualities in those I love. Lord, help me to recognize Satan's schemes and combat them with the power of having a truly thankful heart. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Related Resources:
What are you thankful for today? I am inviting each person who reads this to stop and take time to list just a few things for which you are thankful by hopping over to my website. Each person that leaves a comment on my website today will be entered for a chance to win a copy of my book “Becoming More than a Good Bible Study Girl.”

Be sure to check out Lysa’s book and Bible study Becoming More than a Good Bible Study Girl. This is the perfect 6 week summer study or one to consider doing with your women’s group this fall.

To order your copy of the book, click here. To order your Bible study workbook and DVD study click here and here.

Application Steps:
Every time a negative, separating thought comes into your mind today, intentionally combat it with something for which you are thankful about that person.

Reflections:
How does it make you feel to dwell on what you wish was different about another person?

Could this devotion showing up in your inbox today be a reminder from God that there are positive things for which you can be thankful?

How does having a thankful heart change things?

Power Verses:
Philippians 4:6, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." (NIV)

2 Corinthians 4:15, "All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God." (NIV)

© 2010 by Lysa TerKeurst. All rights reserved.

The Sticker Book

Micca Monda Campbell

"Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer."I Corinthians 7:5a (NIV)

It took creative measures when it came to potty training our daughter. No sweet treat was good enough to get her ready for her big girl pants. It was going to take something she really loved to lure her into this next phase of life.

Suddenly, it came to me. My daughter loves stickers. This gave me a great idea. I hung a large poster board on the bathroom wall. With colorful markers, I divided the poster into weekly sections. In a basket on the floor, I placed an assortment of sparkly stickers. Peyton's eyes widened with excitement when I showed her my newly decorated bathroom. "Each time you go to the potty, I will give you a sticker to place on the poster board," I explained. "When you get a certain amount of stickers, I'll take you to the store where you can pick out a prize."

I've never seen a diaper come off so quickly before in my life. The stickers were working!

My husband also noticed how well the training was going. One day, he came in from work and tossed a sticker book on the kitchen counter where I was preparing dinner. "What's that?" I questioned.

"I noticed how the stickers were working for Peyton and I thought maybe they'd work for you too," he answered. I narrowed my eyes at him and thought what is he up to?

"Every time you and I have a romantic night, I'll give you a sticker to put in your sticker book. When you fill it up, I'll take you anywhere in the world you want to go." He continued with a huge grin on his face.

It's not that I didn't want to have romantic evenings with my husband, but most of the time tiredness trumped romance. You know what I mean? As women, we wear a lot of hats that require much responsibility. We are constantly pouring ourselves out for others. At the end of the day, all I want is a soothing bath and a warm bed. I suppose my husband could interpret that the wrong way. He probably feels like he only gets my leftovers. This is not God's plan and why He gave married couples this passage:

The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control (I Corinthians 7:4-6).

God must have known both women and men would struggle in this area. Whoever is holding out in this, the Bible is clear. The cause of withholding should be mutual, short lived, and discussed openly and privately between husband and wife. The reason for this is so that no one falls into temptation. Communication also helps your spouse hold on to their confidence when they know the reason behind the struggle. After I shared with my husband the cause for my tiredness, he started pitching in around the house. Nothing is sexier than a man running the vacuum!

Working together can bring about great results. On the other hand, buying your spouse a sticker book might also move things in the right direction. I'll be honest. I've not yet filled my sticker book, but I'm working on it. The best reward is really not about visiting some exotic place. The best reward is sticking it out with my husband as we learn to communicate, work together and trust each other through the struggles of everyday life.

Dear Lord, my spouse is a gift to me from You. Give me the courage to talk honestly and openly with him/her. Use communication to deepen and strengthen our relationship in all areas. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Related Resources:
An Untroubled Heart: Finding Faith that is Stronger than My Fears by Micca Campbell

Visit Micca’s blog

The Love Dare by Stephen and Alex Kendrick

Confessions of an Adulterous Woman: Lies that got me there, Truths that brought me back by Lyndell Hetrick Holtz

Check out Help! I Think I Misplaced My Sex Drive! for more free encouragement from one girlfriend to another

Application Steps:
Sometimes taking to your spouse is all you need. Other times seeking medical care is the answer. A hormone imbalance can stifle your drive. Being overweight, anxious or depressed can also cause a loss of desire. Start by being open with your mate. Use the "Reflections" question below to get you started. You'll be glad you did.

Reflections:
Why might you be holding out? Is it because you don't feel sexy, loved, or appreciated? Are you stressed, addicted to porn, or struggling with lust for someone other than your spouse? Are there other reasons?

Power Verses:
Ephesians 5:21, "Submit yourselves to one another in the fear of God." (NIV)

© 2010 by Micca Campbell. All rights reserved.

Catch the Little Foxes

Melanie Chitwood

"Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." Ephesians 4:32 (NAS)

Holly has a hard time parking in the garage. It sits at a tricky angle, and she has run into the garage wall quite a few times. In fact, her van has plenty of scrapes and dents to prove it. Her husband Dan could choose many ways to respond—he could be angry every time, or he could berate her, but that's not his reaction. He has repeatedly chosen to forgive Holly. Their situation is an example of one of the "little foxes" mentioned in Song of Solomon 2:15: "Catch all the foxes, those little foxes, before they ruin the vineyard of love, for the grapevines are blossoming!" (NLT). Theirs is a situation that could have become divisive, but because of Dan's gracious response, this "little fox" did not ruin their "vineyard of love."

Do any "little foxes" come to mind when you think about your own marriage? Maybe your spouse was abrupt when speaking to you, didn't give you the attention you wanted, wasn't responsive to intimacy, forgot your anniversary, or got home late without calling recently. Everyday married life presents countless occasions to choose to be offended or to choose to forgive, as today's key verses instructs us.

Without forgiveness, we'll find ourselves becoming irritated, hard-hearted, bitter, and disconnected from our spouse. A friend taught me one way to make sure this doesn't happen: The moment I feel offended, I can choose to forgive. If my spouse says something that makes me mad or hurt, I need to begin praying at that very moment to forgive. Doing this allows God to begin softening our hearts immediately.

In addition to dealing with the little foxes of small offenses, we will sometimes need to forgive our spouses for big offenses. We might be betrayed by unfaithfulness, our trust might be rattled by secrets our spouses keep, or our feelings might be stomped on by spouses who do the same hurtful things over and over again. If one quality makes a Christian marriage stand out from the rest, it's our choice to forgive our spouse. We might feel as if we're ignoring the offense or giving our stamp of approval by choosing to forgive. Our pride and fear might rise up: What if the offense happens again and again? Will I be taken for a fool? What will others think?

Choosing to forgive is an act of obedience to God's commands. Forgiveness entails choosing, often over and over again, not to dwell on the offense because that would allow a root of bitterness to grow in our hearts. But let's be clear: If you're dealing with a sin issue in marriage, choose to forgive but still spend the needed time talking about the situation, praying separately and together, and seeking godly counsel.

Forgiveness is a one of the most essential attitudes for bringing unity and oneness to marriage, and it flows from our relationship with Christ.

Dear Lord, cover our marriage with a spirit of forgiveness. I confess that sometimes I want to hold a grudge, to retaliate, or to be right, rather than forgive. Lord, I don't want the enemy to get a foothold in our marriage, so through the power of the Holy Spirit, I slam the door on Satan by choosing to forgive my spouse. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Related Resources:
Do You Need Forgiveness from God?

For more about forgiveness, visit Lysa TerKeurst's blog, where Holly Good, Lysa's assistant, will be blogging today.

Adapted from What a Wife Needs from Her Husband by Melanie Chitwood

Visit Melanie’s blog What Matters Most

What a Husband Needs from His Wife by Melanie Chitwood

Application Steps:
Dwell on Christ's forgiveness of your offenses.

Say, "I forgive you" today.

Say, "I'm sorry" today.

Choose not to dwell on your spouse's hurtful words or actions.

Don't hold a grudge or seek revenge.

Choose your friends wisely.

Take care around others who bad-mouth their spouses.

The moment you feel offended, begin to pray that the Holy Spirit will work through you to forgive your spouse.

Reflections:
What "little foxes" come to mind concerning your marriage?

Have you chosen to be offended and hurt? Or gracious and forgiving?

Have you been avoiding talking to your spouse about a big offense? Can you choose to today to take the first step in talking about this situation, praying about it, and perhaps seeing a godly counselor?

Power Verses:
Colossians 3:12-13, "Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other's faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others." (NLT)

© 2010 by Melanie Chitwood. All rights reserved.

The Dailyness

Ariel Allison Lawhon, She Reads Co-Director

"Blessed is the man who listens to me, watching daily at my doors, waiting at my doorway." Proverbs 8:34 (NIV)

Life wouldn't be so hard if it wasn't so daily. As I sit here surrounded by laundry and dishes piled high in the sink, I see more than ever how life wears us down one day at a time.

Crumbs litter the floor and dirty smudges cover the windows. And I have yet to discover where that smell is coming from. For this mother of four, a simple trip to the grocery store requires an act of God and Congress – attempted only when we are down to powdered milk and Ramen noodles. Not thirty minutes ago a little one-year-old boy clung to my legs, belting out that scream - you know the one, bats can hear it. And I felt my coping skills slipping away. Not because he was crying but because he cries every day.

The daily-ness.

The job of motherhood feels so vast, and frightening, and unending. I am called to raise these children in the fear and admonition of the Lord and yet there are days that I can't seem to get out of my pajamas much less lead them in a time of prayer. I think anyone could endure the temper tantrums of a small child or the rebellion of a teenager or the constant needs of another if they lasted just one day. But the truth is that these things are the stuff of daily life. And when I am honest with myself, they grind down the rough edges of this woman. Because parenting can not be all about me when diapers must be changed, noses wiped and beds made.

In those moments I force myself to take a deep breath and thank God for this season of life. These children. The privilege of wiping noses and bottoms and countertops. A privilege many women would love to have, but don't. I remind myself that the days are long but the years are short. And one day I will look in the rear-view mirror and see empty seats. The cup that is overflowing right now will slowly drain. The stretch marks will fade. And I will find that a new set of daily struggles has overtaken me. When that day comes I will find the strength to face them as well because God gives the grace, daily.

The daily-ness.

As C.S. Lewis once said, "The thing is to rely on God… Meanwhile, the trouble is that relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing has yet been done."

Your daily-ness is probably different than mine, but it is nonetheless God-ordained. It is exactly what we need to live dependent on His grace instead of our own strength. The One who knows us best, who knit us together in our mother's womb, has allotted these days that are equal parts trial and triumph. And He knows that we will see Him most clearly from a place of dependence.

So today I embrace the normal things. The daily things. Another round of laundry. The ring in my toilet. The dust on my dresser so thick a child could write his name. But even more than that I want to celebrate the important things. A child slowly learning to read. A husband that finds his comfort in my arms. A baby who learns to walk and talk. Because all these are the things of life: some mundane and some holy. And all of them must be received daily.

Dear Lord, sometimes daily life is just hard. And we're tired. And overwhelmed. But You promised to be our strength and our hope and our comfort. So today we look to You for what we need. Would You meet us in this, our daily-ness, and help us receive Your grace? In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Related Resources:
Click here to visit the She Reads blog where we’ve got a special Mother’s Day book giveaway including Her Mother’s Hope by Francine Rivers, So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore, and Crossing Oceans by Gina Holmes!

P31 Resources for all stages of the daily-ness of kids:
Rattled: Surviving Your Baby's First Year without Losing Your Cool by Trish Berg

Season of Change: Parenting Your Middle Schooler with Passion and Purpose by Rebecca Ingram Powell

Parenting Your Teen and Loving It: Being the Mom Your Kids Need by Susie Davis
Blue Like Play Dough: The Shape of Motherhood in the Grip of God by Tricia Goyer

Application Steps:
Pray that God will help you embrace your daily-ness, whether it be young children, a physical ailment, or financial difficulties.

Make an effort to honor God with an attitude of trust during this season of life.

Reflections:
How can trusting God with my daily struggles point others to Him?

How would my life be different if I started each day thanking God for this season and the struggles it contains?

Power Verses:
Matthew 6:11, "Give us today our daily bread." (NIV)

Luke 9:23, "Then He said to them all: 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.'" (NIV)

Titus 3:14, "Our people must learn to devote themselves to doing what is good, in order that they may provide for daily necessitates and not live unproductive lives." (NIV)

© 2010 by Ariel Allison Lawhon. All rights reserved.

Words of Life or Death

Melanie Chitwood

"The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences." Proverbs 18:21 (NLT)

I often hear my husband Scott say something to my sons that brings a smile to my face. "Have you told your mom you love her today? Don't ever forget you have the best mom in the world." When I hear him praise me to our sons, I feel encouraged and appreciated. From my husband's example, I've learned to be careful about the words I say not only to my husband but also about my husband.

Today's key verse tells us our words can bring "death or life." In our marriages, this means our words can either tear down our spouses or build them up. I've been noticing lately whether I'm more likely to say words such as, "I'm married to the greatest man," or words like, "I told you so," or "You don't even try to understand me."

What about you and your words to your husband? When you speak to your husband, do you fill him up with praise, or make him feel like he's not measuring up?

Let's also consider the words we say about our husbands to others. What kind of things do you say about your husband to your children? Your best friend? Your sister or mother?

I tend to be a "venter" when I am angry or frustrated with my husband. Sometimes I turn to others because I'm seeking validation for my angry feelings. Often I vent when I haven't taken the time first to deal with the situation with God. I'm learning that if I go to the Lord first in prayer, pouring out my heart to Him, He changes my heart and brings me to a place of repentance and calmness. Then I'm able to let go of my anger and move on, or talk to my husband about it in a loving manner.

Scripture gives plenty of evidence that God's words have the power of life. In Genesis we're told God created every inch of the world with His spoken words. John 1:1 tells us that Jesus is the Word. Throughout the Gospels, Jesus heals countless people with the power of His words. In a similar manner, our words have accomplishing power. God wants our words to bring life to our marriages. We can choose what we will sow—words of life or words of death—and we will reap the consequences many times over.

Use today's application steps to fill up your husband with words of life.

Dear Lord, let my words to my spouse and about my spouse draw us closer to one another. Teach me to communicate in ways that build my husband up instead of tearing him down. If pride, stubbornness, selfishness, or any other sin is preventing me from speaking words of life in our marriage, Lord, I confess that right now. Make me aware of any words of death I've spoken in our marriage. And as the Holy Spirit brings those to my mind, help me confess and turn from them, especially any words of divorce. Break any curse on our marriage from hurtful, angry, or destructive words. Guided by Your wisdom and love, may our words to and about one another build a protective wall around our marriage. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Related Resources:
Today’s devotion is adapted from What a Wife Needs from Her Husband by Melanie Chitwood

What a Husband Needs from His Wife by Melanie Chitwood

30 Days to Taming Your Tongue and accompanying Workbook by Deborah Smith Pegues

For more marriage encouragement visit Melanie’s blog – What Matters Most

Melanie offers more words of wisdom in her P31 Woman article Protecting the Oneness in Marriage

Application Steps:
Considering the list below, which words do you speak most frequently to your husband, "words of life" or "words of death"? Plan on blessing your husband with at least one phrase from the "words of life" suggestions.

Words of Life
I appreciate how hard you work.
You are an incredible husband.
You have great insight.
I'm really looking forward to going out with you.
I'm sorry.
I was wrong.
Will you forgive me?
Thank you.
I understand.

Words of Death
You never listen to me.
You just don't get it.
I told you so.
You should have…
I wish you could just try to understand me for once.
How could you think that?
Why did I ever marry you?
That was dumb.
We'd be better off divorced.

Reflections:
What situations tend to cause you to speak "words of death" to your husband?

Are there certain words you need to make off-limits in your marriage?

In what other relationships do you need to practice speaking "words of life"?

Power Verses:
Ephesians 4:29, "Watch the way you talk. Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. Say only what helps, each word a gift." (MSG)

Psalm 19:14, "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer." (NLT)

© 2010 by Melanie Chitwood. All rights reserved.

Discipline My Body

Marybeth Whalen

"I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should. Otherwise, I fear that after preaching to others I myself might be disqualified." I Corinthians 9:27 (NLT)

As I shared with a woman I met about our family's journey out of $95,000 worth of debt, she posed a question that stumped me. "That's great that you guys did that," she said. "But do you really think that people out there are willing to do the hard work it will take to get out of debt?"

I confessed to her that I couldn't answer for other people. I could only share what we had experienced—what we knew worked. She responded that she thought people were looking for simpler, easier solutions than the arduous four-and-a-half year process we went through. I knew she was probably right.

Days later as I was struggling through the first mile of my run, I thought about her question and compared it to my lack of motivation to lace up my running shoes that day. I didn't feel like running. I didn't want to stop what I was doing at home and take time to go running. I didn't want to do the hard work. The phrase "I discipline my body" went through my mind. As my legs pumped and my muscles strained and my heart cried out for relief, I certainly understood what Paul meant when he wrote that verse.

As I ran, my mind cycled through the many other things in life that are worth doing, yet require us to "discipline our bodies" into submission to accomplish them. In some instances we must physically discipline our bodies. Taking care of ourselves, exercising, and making healthy eating choices requires resolve, sacrifice, and some hard work.

In other instances we must emotionally discipline our bodies. Choosing to honor our husbands, or our parents, with our words and attitudes requires a continual humbling process that our flesh rails against.

Still other times we must spiritually discipline our bodies. I am learning it's not enough just to say I want a close relationship with God. I have to "discipline my body" to pursue Him. This includes getting up early when my body wants to sleep longer so I can start my day by having a quiet time. And I can't say I want to live by His Word if I am not willing to spend time studying it, disciplining my body by foregoing my desire to veg out in front of the TV in favor of reading the Bible.

I am learning that most things in life that are worth doing aren't going to be easy. Yet my flesh—my lazy, insolent, ugly flesh—continually hangs onto the thought that it should be easy.

Sometimes my flesh wins out, I won't lie. But for the most part I am learning that when I make the effort to "discipline my body" I am always glad later that I did.

Maybe there's something that God is urging you to do that's going to require disciplining your body. Maybe you have resisted it because you don't want to go through that. From someone who understands that battle, might I urge you to take the time, and submit your body, heart and mind to the process? On the other side of your effort is a transformed life waiting to happen.

Dear Lord, I know that doing the right thing is not usually the easy thing. Help me to follow Your ways and not my own. Help me to commit to the changes I know I need to make in my life. And let me feel You guiding and encouraging me every step of the way. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Related Resources:
Visit Marybeth’s blog

Learning to Live Financially Free: Hard Earned Wisdom for Saving Your Money and Your Marriage by Marybeth and Curt Whalen

A Tip a Day: 12 Months Worth of Money-Saving Ideas by Ellie Kay

From Financially Frantic to Financially Free (CD) by Marybeth and Curt Whalen

Do you dread talking finances with your spouse? Click here for tips on how to have a smooth conversation.

Application Steps:
Write down in your journal one thing that you feel God has laid on your heart that will require "disciplining your body" to make it happen. Maybe it's taking better care of yourself or losing weight. Maybe it's doing the hard work and submitting yourself to the process of becoming debt free. Maybe it's recommitting to spending daily time with God—foregoing some sleep to make that happen. Whatever it is, pray about it and consider asking a friend to hold you accountable.

Reflections:
What does your flesh want? Is it the best thing for you?

How will discipline change your circumstances in the long run?

Power Verses:
Romans 8:13, "For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live." (NIV)

Galatians 6:8, "The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life." (NIV)

© 2010 by Marybeth Whalen. All rights reserved.

Attitude Adjustment

Melanie Chitwood

"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus…" Philippians 2:5 (NIV)

One day I opened my car door and was blasted with a horrific smell. I searched every inch of the car but could not find the source of the stench. I then took action to get rid of the smell: I scrubbed the carpet with deodorizers and sprayed air freshener. The stench persisted. I left the car doors open, deciding I couldn't possibly run errands in that stinky car.

I went back inside, opened the refrigerator, and noticed a small trickle of milk had leaked on to the shelf. After examining the milk container, I realized that the milk must have leaked into the car the day before when I got groceries. That explained the cause of my stinky car: spoiled milk, one of the most offensive odors I've ever smelled.

Negative attitudes are like the stench of spoiled milk, permeating our lives and affecting everyone we come in contact with. Think about some of these negative attitudes that might make you stinky: complaining, selfish, prideful, bitter, or unforgiving. Do any ring true with you today?

Now imagine a pleasing aroma. What comes to mind? A freshly baked pie, the scent of the ocean, newly brewed coffee, or a cinnamon candle. A pleasant aroma is so powerful that it can bring a smile to our faces and make us feel more positive. The same is true of our positive attitudes. In our relationships we can be like a fragrant aroma by adopting attitudes that please and reflect Christ. In fact, Paul teaches that we are a "fragrance of Christ" (2 Corinthians 2:15). Consider these pleasing attitudes: thankful, humble, generous, gracious, kind, and cheerful. You can ask God to be one of these fragrances through you today.

Our attitude provides an accurate litmus test for the true condition of our hearts. God cares first about the condition of our hearts because when God has our hearts, He knows that we're surrendered to Him. He'll mold us and shape our attitudes and actions to reflect His character.

Dear Lord, search me, O God, and know my heart (Psalm 139:23). Soften my heart and make me willing to receive an attitude adjustment from You. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Related Resources:
Today’s devotion is adapted from What a Wife Needs from Her Husband, companion to What a Husband Needs from His Wife, both by Melanie Chitwood

Visit Melanie’s blog, What Matters Most

The S.O.S for PMS: Practical Help and Relief for Moms by Mary M. Byers

Show your spring style with a She Speaks T-Shirt in Cranberry or Teal.

Application Steps:
Since our attitudes reflect the condition of our hearts, take some time to sit quietly before the Lord. Allow the Holy Spirit to search your heart.

If you know you've had a bad attitude, ask the Holy Spirit to reveal the root of that stinky attitude. For example, if you've been grumbling and complaining, the root of this attitude might be a sense of entitlement. Once you recognize the root, confess it and ask God to remove it. Ask God to work His Christ-like attitude in and through you.

Reflections:
Consider the various relationships affected by your positive or negative attitude. What fragrance does your spouse smell when you come near? Spoiled milk or a fragrant spring candle? What attitude do your coworkers get a whiff of? What about your children? Or,.the cashier at the grocery store when you're hurrying and running late?

In which relationship is it the most difficult for you to be the "fragrance of Christ"?

Power Verses:
Proverbs 4:23, "Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flows the springs of life." (NAS)

2 Corinthians 2:14, "But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumph in Christ, and manifests through us the sweet aroma of the knowledge of Him in every place." (NAS)


© 2010 by Melanie Chitwood. All rights reserved.

Conditional Love or Covenant Love?

Melanie Chitwood

"Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:7 (NIV)

When I was pregnant with our second son, Tyler, I was not at my best. Actually, I was a mess. We lived in Palm Beach Gardens, Florida, at the time, a lovely but really hot place for a pregnant lady. I was hot all the time and cranked our air-conditioner down so low that condensation formed on the windows. I was huge and uncomfortable. Tyler ended up being a big baby—9 pounds, 15 ounces—but that doesn't justify the other 40 pounds I gained.

I was hungry all the time but easily nauseated, so cooking anything involving raw meat was not an option. I was also tired, so after teaching and getting little Zachary tucked in early, I was done for the day. When trying to go to sleep, I soon became very sensitive to any outside noises, so we nailed several blankets over our windows, attempting to muffle the noise.

I pity my husband, Scott, for having to live with me during that pregnancy. Amazingly, he loved me with kindness, patience, and longsuffering. Although we joke now that he earned many jewels in his heavenly crown during that pregnancy, I needed to be sure of his love during that time.

That's a kind of love that only a husband or wife can give. A love that sees the good, the bad, and the ugly and still says, I love you now, and I'll always love you. I am sure Scott thought then and has thought many times since that he married a crazy lady, but he has loved me unconditionally.
A Christian marriage reflects God's love, a covenant love. God's covenant love does not depend on anything we do or don't do. God's love just is. In the same way, a Christian couple demonstrates this covenant love as they remain committed to each other during hard times. Their commitment does not depend on pleasant circumstances.

In other words, their love is not conditional, as so many marriages in today's world are. A covenant love promises, "till death do us part," and perseveres in the hard times.

A covenant love, loves always.

Dear Lord, thank You for my spouse. We want a marriage that reflects Your kind of commitment, Lord, the kind that lasts forever. Remind us, especially in the hard times, that we made a promise to each other and to You to be committed for a lifetime. Holy Spirit, please work in me so I will be the first to forgive and the first to say I'm sorry. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Related Resources:
Check out Melanie's blog: What Matters Most for a chance to win a free marriage conference call. Also, you’ll find more information about the "Building a Marriage that Will Last a Lifetime" conference call being taught by Melanie this week!

This devotion is adapted from What a Wife Needs from Her Husband by Melanie Chitwood – buy your copy today.

Find hope with Strengthen Your Marriage

The Love Dare by Stephen and Alex Kendrick

Application Steps:
For many years I've had a prayer partner who prays specifically for my marriage, and I pray for hers. I can count on her to hold me accountable to God's principles in my marriage. Also, I trust her to keep my confidences. Is there someone in your life with whom you can partner in prayer for your marriage? Pray about it and then make that call.

If you are facing tough times in your marriage right now, I'd love to pray for you and your marriage, especially if you are facing tough times. Visit my blog today today to leave your prayer request.

Reflections:
Read today's key verse. Name a specific way you protect your marriage. Are you trustworthy and do you trust your spouse? Do you have hope? How can you persevere in your marriage?

Power Verses:
Matthew 19:6,"So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate." (NAS)

1 John 3:18, "Dear children, let's not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions." (NLT)

© 2010 by Melanie Chitwood. All rights reserved.

Hope in the Rubble

Lynn Cowell

"I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength" Ephesians 1:18 (NIV)

Mind-boggling devastation filled the screen. I just couldn't wrap my mind around everything that had taken place by the earthquake in Haiti. Such suffering and pain. I went to sleep with the images firmly planted in my mind and heart.

When I awoke in the morning, I began to pray before my feet hit the ground: prayer for miracles, supplies and those who would arrive in that precious country to serve and minister to the broken. A picture of a crying baby being pulled from the rubble came to mind. After over 48 hours of no food, no water and being trapped under a collapsed house, the 18 month-old was rescued. It was truly a miracle.

My prayers moved from the Haitian crisis to praying for a loved one who has gone astray. The one I love has much in common with the newly rescued baby. He too is trapped. Trapped by the weight and destruction of bad decisions and flawed thinking patterns. What seemed like a common path many were taking led to a place of destruction.

What this precious baby and my loved one do not have in common is the desire to be free. The baby sensed something was wrong. Where was her family? Where was food and water? Why wasn't someone coming to her rescue? Such thoughts occupied her tiny immature mind. My loved one has yet to discover that he indeed needs rescuing. He has yet to recognize the weight of selfishness, unforgiveness and self-destruction pressing on him.

Do you have one you desperately love who is heading toward destruction and doesn't realize it? Do you have days when the rubble of sin seems too heavy- too much to be removed? And you just can't see how God is going to break through?

Help is arriving in Haiti. Armies, doctors, nurses and relief workers from around the world are helping. Rescue is taking place. People's lives have been saved, and in time, the destruction will be removed.

Rescue is available for our loved ones, too. Prayer is the place to begin as we hope that in the middle of their own destruction, they will see their need for rescue. When that realization becomes clear, like the tiny baby in Haiti, our loved ones will cry out for help. We know our God will be there to hear and rescue. He may use others to help them. He may call them to push away some of the debris. But more than anything, we know He wants them free.

Dear Lord, some days I grow weary of praying for my loved one. I am so glad that You don't. Please open their eyes to see the destruction they are in and give them the desire to break free. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Related Resources:
Divine Prayers for Despairing Parents: What to Pray When You Don’t Know What to Say by Susanne Scheppmann

Confessions of an Adulterous Woman: Lies that Got Me There, Truths that Brought Me Back by Lyndell Holtz

Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers

Visit Lynn’s blog

Read one praying mother’s story The Night I Lost All Hope

Application Steps:
Is your loved one a child? A husband? A friend? Find another godly woman who will partner with you to pray daily for this person; preferably one who has had victory in her life with a loved one in this area.

Pray for divine appointments in this person's life and others who will share compassion, love and Jesus' heart with them.

Get a notebook or journal. Write your loved one's name on the front. Begin to journal prayers, verses, etc., specifically related to your loved one. Fill in their name and use the word "you" i.e. "Today I prayed Ephesians 1:18-19 for you. It says…." Print prayers sent to you by others and put them in the journal. Believe that one day you will give this journal to your loved one as a testimony to what God has done.

Reflections:
Were you ever someone else's wayward loved one? If so, what did the Lord do to bring you to Himself?

Are you the wayward love one? If so, do not be afraid to call out from underneath your rubble. Those around you already see it. They see you and more than anything they want you to be free and to help you to get there!

Power Verses:
Psalm 106:8, "Yet he saved them for his name's sake, to make his mighty power known." (NIV)

Zephaniah 3:17, "The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." (NIV)

© 2010 by Lynn Cowell. All rights reserved.

Is Your Spouse Your Best Friend?

Melanie Chitwood

"Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up." Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 (NAS)

Although I can say today that my husband Scott is my best friend, that hasn't always been the case. When we first were married, I was so close to my twin sister that Scott felt excluded when the three of us were together. Gradually, however, we both learned to develop our friendship with one another.

We reached a big turning point when we left Atlanta, where I had been single and then newly married, and moved to Florida for Scott's new flying career. Living in a new city where we knew few other people, we learned to depend on each other for friendship in a way we hadn't learned before.

Scott now is the one I turn to first just to be my friend, not in the way a girlfriend is a friend, but in a way that only a husband can be. The support that this kind of friendship brings is reflected in Ecclesiastes 4:9: "Two are better than one."

What are some specific ways we can develop a close friendship with our spouse? First, we can take note of what's going on where we each spend a great deal of time, the workplace Has he talked about a stressful project? Has she said how energized she is by a new assignment? Follow up by asking for more details and remember to pray for these situations. This shows your thoughtfulness and support. If she's a full-time homemaker, acknowledge that you know her job never ends and that you appreciate her.

Secondly, a great way to forge bonds of friendship is to share an interest. What do you both like to do? You may need to think about what you did while you were dating. Our friends Tracey and Ron take short trips to the mountains. It's more Tracey's passion than Ron's, but he's learned to enjoy it too. My mom and dad are great cooks and have created some incredible meals together. Scott and I have watched countless basketball games together. If you don't already have a shared hobby or pastime, start trying out some activities. It's easy to let the day-in and day-out responsibilities of life to crowd out time for relaxation and laugher, so you'll have to make the choice to have fun together.

Finally, we need to ask ourselves if we're making friendship with our spouse a priority. Do we save our best energy for developing friendship with our spouse or are we too busy? Sometimes we have to say no to other pursuits so we can have time to protect and nurture the gift of friendship in marriage.

The seeds of friendship we plant today will continue to bloom later in our marriages. We've all seen older couples sitting at restaurant tables, eating their entire meal in complete silence. I don't want to look like those silent couples, and I'm sure you don't either. I want to grow old relishing my friendship with my husband, a friendship forged over years of sharing interests and making each other a priority.

Dear Lord, show me ways to nurture friendship with my spouse, so we can continue to enjoy each other through the passing years. Lord, today, I commit to making friendship with my spouse one of my top priorities. Where I need to give up some activities so I'll have time for friendship with my husband, give me eyes to see that. Thank you for the lifetime friendship you've given us in marriage. In Jesus name, Amen.

Related Resources:
What a Husband Needs from His Wife by Melanie Chitwood

This devotion was adapted from What a Wife Needs from Her Husband. Order your copy today!

Visit Melanie’s blog – What Matters Most for more marriage encouragement.

Application Steps:
Plan to do something fun with your spouse. Do this within one week's time, and don't let anything interfere with these plans.

Reflections:
What do you want your marriage to look like ten years from now? What can you do today to reach your desired outcome?

Is there room in your life for friendship with your spouse? Is there anything you can take out of your life to allow space for your friendship with your spouse to grow?

Power Verses:
Genesis 2:18, "Then the Lord God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone; will make him a helper suitable for him.'" (NAS)

Ephesians 5:28, "So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself." (NAS)

© 2010 by Melanie Chitwood. All rights reserved.

Love, Respect and Admiration

Tracie Miles

"However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." Ephesians 5:33 (NIV)

When I married my wonderful husband twenty years ago, I fully intended to unconditionally love, respect and admire him. I had great intentions of being the perfect wife, with sweet words, a romantic kiss and dinner on the table every evening. But then careers took off, bills increased, children were born, laundry piles grew, and life got chaotic. Along the way I subconsciously created a measuring stick of expectations for whether my husband actually deserved my love and respect.

When marriage doesn't meet the unrealistic expectations we imagine before the wedding, and real life kicks in, women can inadvertently get lured into tearing down their husbands, and their marriages as well.

In fact, the longer couples are together, the easier it becomes to not only see each other's flaws, but to mercilessly criticize them. This eventually leads to low tolerances, short tempers, minimal patience, and a woeful lack of marital bliss. As a result, those gifts of unconditional love, respect and admiration that were once offered so freely become gifts that we are not so willing to offer at all.

A few months ago I picked up The Man Whisperer, written by my friend and author Rick Johnson. The title intrigued me, as I was anxious to rekindle some passion in my own marriage Little did I know that God would use the truths shared in this book to step on my toes and cause me to take an inward look.

Many relationship topics are covered, but as I read, God convicted my heart about things I had said to my husband just days earlier. As I recalled some of the critical comments that had rolled off my tongue so easily, I became overwhelmed with regret and disappointment. I had fallen into a bad habit of tearing down my man with my words, not fully realizing the toll it was taking on him. Most importantly, I began to realize the powerful influence I have on my husband and marriage by simply choosing words that encourage, instead of discourage.

As women, we have the power to build up or tear down our husbands every day, merely by the respect we give and the amount of faith we let him know we have in him. Respect and admiration are two of the most powerful tools a woman has to influence her husband. I realized I had fallen short lately in giving those two precious gifts to my man.

I prayed, asking God to help me control my tongue and fill my heart and mouth with words that would make my husband feel appreciated, admired, respected and loved, regardless of whether I felt he deserved it. I prayed that God would convict my heart when critical thoughts crept into my mind, and help me avoid the temptation to say them out loud.

Within just a few weeks, I saw a change - in me, in my husband's demeanor, and in our relationship: a change that rekindled that unconditional love, respect and admiration that I set out to give him all along, and that I also wanted in return.

Through a wife's gifts of unconditional love, respect, and admiration, we can help our husbands become the great men that God created them to be, and in turn, create the marriages we always dreamed of.

Dear Lord, help me to tame my tongue and focus on building up my man. Help me break free of the habit to criticize, even when warranted. Open my eyes to the positive, not the negative. Draw us closer, and help us both nurture a strong and loving marriage. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Related Resources:
Visit Tracie’s blog for more about this topic and to enter for a chance to win an audio CD by Rick Johnson called Power Tools for Women

The Man Whisperer by Rick Johnson

What a Husband Needs from His Wife and/or What a Wife Needs from Her Husband by Melanie Chitwood

Love Notes on His Pillow: And Other Everyday Ways to Keep Your Love Alive by Linda J. Gilden

Application Steps:
Think about how important your husband's love is to you and consider that your respect means just as much to him.

If your marriage seems strained right now, think about your conversations with your husband lately. Have your comments been encouraging and uplifting, or discouraging and destructive?

Instead of chocolates this Valentine's day, give your husband what he really desires- respect, admiration and love.

Reflections:
Am I in the habit of tearing down my husband?

Do our daily conversations leave him feeling respected and admired, or unrespected and criticized?

Power Verses:
Genesis 2:24, "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." (NIV)

1 Corinthians 13:2-7, "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." (ESV)

James 3:5b-6a, "Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body." (NIV)

© 2010 Tracie Miles. All rights reserved.

Grace Covers

Melanie Chitwood

"Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins." 1 Peter 4:8 (NAS)

Cartilage is a tissue that is found in many places in our bodies, including at the end of bones where joints form. It protects our joints from wear and tear, helps them move smoothly, and absorbs shock. When the cartilage in our knee, for example, is damaged, we feel pain.

Grace in our marriages is like the protective covering of cartilage in our joints. Couples who show each other a gracious attitude cover their marriage with understanding, protect their marriage from misunderstandings and short-tempered emotions, and help one another absorb life's jolts and shocks.

For example, the other day Scott came home late to discover that I had forgotten to turn off the hose after washing the dogs. The backyard was overflowing with water—an inconvenience and a costly mistake on my part. He could have gotten mad at me, but he didn't. His gracious attitude covered my shortcoming.

Today's key verse contains the word love rather than the word grace. That's because one aspect of love is grace. It's the part of love that is generous, forgiving, encouraging, and unconditional. It's the part of love that empowers you to fill in the gaps rather than notice what's lacking in your spouse. Grace asks, "How can I help you?" instead of growing frustrated or bitter when your spouse isn't measuring up to your standard.

Bringing criticism, judgment, and self-righteousness into your marriage is all too easy. Saying "Why didn't you…" "You should have…" or "I told you so" requires no effort. But being gracious is what we need in marriage, and that's what Christ calls us to be. We're human. We're going to disappoint one another. We're not always going to meet each other's needs.

When you are fully aware of your own weaknesses and of the ways you fall short of the glory of God, you are more likely to show your partner a gracious attitude. God's Word reminds us that "love covers." How can you cover your spouse with the love of grace today?

Dear Lord, search me, O God, and know my heart (Psalm 139:23). Soften my heart and make me willing to adopt a gracious attitude toward my spouse. Where I have been unforgiving, harsh, judgmental, or bitter toward my spouse, Lord, I am sorry and ask Your forgiveness. If we need to talk about an issue, Lord, I pray our conversation will lead us both to a gracious attitude toward one another. If there's something I need to be quiet about or just to accept, give me willingness and strength. Lord, I pray that my attitude toward my spouse will reflect Your gracious love. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Related Resources:
What a Husband Needs from His Wife by Melanie Chitwood

This devotion was adapted from What a Wife Needs from Her Husband. Order your copy today!

Join Melanie for a conference call on "Building a Marriage that Will Last a Lifetime." For more information, please visit Melanie's blog.

For more on grace, read Fighting Words

Application Steps:
What you can do today to show a gracious attitude toward your spouse? Some ideas:
• Let it go.
• Assume the best.
• In your quiet time, think about the different ways God has covered you with grace rather than burdened you with judgment.
• Hang around friends with gracious attitudes. Let their attitudes rub off on you.
• Be careful of keeping company with people who are constantly bashing and bad-mouthing their spouses. Their bad attitudes are likely to affect yours.
• Don't say, "I told you so."

Reflections:
What triggers in you a harsh or judgmental reaction toward your spouse rather than a gracious reaction?

How has Christ shown you grace, and how can His grace spill over in your marriage?

Power Verses:
Ephesians 4:2, "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." (NIV)

1 Peter 3:7, "You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way…" (NAS)

© 2010 by Melanie Chitwood. All rights reserved.

Mismatched Candlesticks

Karen Ehman

"Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses. On the lips of him who has understanding, wisdom is found..." Proverbs 10:12-13a (ESV)

They are an odd, but pretty pair; the two candlesticks we have perched on the antique dresser in our master bedroom. While both are crafted from solid brass with similar round and sturdy bases, the shafts of each candlestick couldn't be less alike.

One is straight and streamlined; not at all fancy, just functional; with tall lines, direct and strong. The second is designed with a touch of flair; two equidistant strands of brass whirl and swirl side-by-side in a "look at me" manner, as they ascend to the top of the shaft that holds the candle in place.

I found each candlestick at a different yard sale, both in the same month. While their styles aren't the same, somehow this eclectic pair is an interesting match. And more importantly, they are a constant visual reminder to my husband and me, providing a tangible picture of our marriage.

My husband is the first candlestick. No frills. Straight-forward. Only about function. I am the second one. Crazy. Winding. All over the map. Completely about fun. While we both are "forged from brass" in that we are followers of Christ with the same spiritual foundation, pair our opposite-end-of-the-spectrum personalities together and disaster could ensue. In fact, we often joke that if in our college-courting days, we would have been able to send our profiles to an online matchmaking website, instead of pairing us up with each other, the computer screen would have blinked a bright warning. DO NOT DATE!! TOTALLY NOT COMPATIBLE!

Beyond the normal male/female differences, we have a lot in our personalities that cause friction, conflict and sometimes (mostly from me) snapping and harsh words. In fact, it doesn't matter if it is in marriage, parenting or in a work or friendship situation, mismatched personalities can cause frustration, anger and at times, wounded feelings.

Someone who is not wired as we are, does not think like we do and who makes decisions and carries out actions we would never dream of, can just plain rub us the wrong way. It causes our feathers to ruffle and not-so-nice thoughts to invade our brains.

Usually, if dealing with a non-family member, we manage to keep our composure; tame our tongue; to not do or say anything in the midst of our frustration that we might later regret. With our children or spouses, however, sometimes we open the floodgates and spew out all sorts of cutting comments, nasty words, flying criticisms and awful accusations. My husband and I call it "throwing flesh balls." At that point, we are not "walking by the Spirit" but "gratifying the desires of the flesh" (Galatians 5:16).

My flesh just likes to be gratified sometimes and nothing gratifies it more than a good ole', all-out verbal assault on my "thinks-and-acts-so-different-from-me" husband. Instead, today's verse provides direction for how we should handle the inevitable conflicts that arise from trying to mesh two very differing personality types.

We shouldn't spew hate. We should seek to understand. We should ask God for wisdom. We should love. Not necessarily in an "ushy-gushy, touchy-feely" sort of way; but rather, in an, "I am going to choose to react gently and behave kindly because that is what God is asking me to do" sort of way. Cementing this line of thinking in our mind will help us to make the right choice. There are things we will do because we are doing them for God that we otherwise might never do for a spouse, co-worker or friend who makes us mad!

Will you join me today in purposing to stop stirring up strife when it comes to someone in your life who is oil while you are so water? Yes, even if it is your own spouse. The world is watching; sizing up how we behave. When we are one part of a divergence in personalities, what will they see? Stirred up strife or lovingly covered offenses?

Dear Lord, grant me the ability to speak kindly, respond gently and at times, to hold my tongue. I want my actions and reactions to please and reflect You. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Related Resources:
What a Husband Needs from His Wife by Melanie Chitwood

What a Wife Needs from Her Husband by Melanie Chitwood

For more on mismatched marriage and a chance to win a couples ‘basket-in-a-box’ giveaway, visit Karen’s blog

A Life that Says Welcome by Karen Ehman

Application Steps:
Jot down the names of one or two people with whom you have difficulty getting along. Now, name at least one kind and thoughtful gesture you could do for them during this Valentine's season, even if anonymously. Do it this week.

Reflections:
In the past, how have you dealt with male/female differences with your spouse or, if you aren't married, with other personality clashes in your life? What were the results? What could you do differently in the future to promote a more harmonious relationship?

Power Verses:
Proverbs 15:1-3 "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools pour out folly. The eyes of the LORD are in every place, keeping watch on the evil and the good." (ESV)

John 13:34-35, "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." (NIV)

© 2010 by Karen Ehman. All rights reserved.